I told my server we needed to bond, so it gave me a TLS handshake.
Why was the SSL certificate so cheap? It had a weak chain of trust.
My website's SSL certificate expired... it was a real cipher-suite.
Never trust an SSL certificate that's been issued by a phish tank.
Why did the website break up with HTTP? It found a more secure connection.
I'm reading a book on TLS 1.3 – it's a real page-turner, but the ending is still secure.
The HTTPS website told the HTTP one, "You're so insecure, it's not even funny."
My browser told the certificate, "I need to see some ID."
Why did the man-in-the-middle get arrested? For eavesdropping on a secure session.
The sysadmin's favorite dance is the TLS handshake.
I asked my date if she used HTTPS, she said yes, so I knew she was for sure.
An expired SSL certificate is just a sad, unsigned piece of paper.
Why was the TLS handshake so polite? It always uses a "Client Hello."
My life needs an HSTS header to enforce strict security.
The website's SSL was so weak, it was practically HTTP-NO.
Why did the cookie get its own SSL certificate? To stay secure in transit.
The browser told the invalid certificate, "Access Denied. It's not me, it's you."
I had a joke about a revoked certificate, but you can't trust it anymore.
HTTP is the guy who shows up to a black-tie event in shorts.
Why did the SSL certificate go to therapy? It had an identity crisis.
The new TLS cipher suites are so strong, they're unbreakable... unlike my willpower.
A mixed content warning is like finding a hole in your bulletproof vest.
My love life is like an untrusted certificate; everyone gets a warning.
Why don't secrets ever get leaked on an HTTPS site? Because they're kept under TLS.
The sysadmin's favorite part of a certificate is the subject... alternative name.
I wouldn't trust that CA; it's a real certificate authority-ty.
Why was the web server so calm? It had a perfectly valid SSL certificate.
The HTTP site asked the HTTPS site for a loan, but it had no security to back it up.
My browser and the server had a great connection; it was a real match, no mismatch.
Why did the hacker hate SSL? Too much redirection.
The OCSP stapling response was so fast, it was done in a staple.
I'm on a strict diet: only secure cookies.
Why was the TLS 1.2 connection nostalgic? It was remembering the good old DHE days.
My public key is out there, but my private key is for my eyes only.
Why did the private key break up with the public key? It felt too exposed.
A PKI without a CRL is like a country without a "most wanted" list.
I lost my private key... now my data is having a permanent private party.
The certificate authority said, "I now pronounce you man and website."
Why was the RSA key so strong? It had a large prime relationship.
The certificate signed by an unknown CA is like a diploma from a fake university.
My love is like an asymmetric cipher; what you put in is not what you get out.
Why did the root CA cross the road? To get to the other PKI.
The certificate revocation list is just a list of fallen stars.
Key escrow is like giving your house keys to a very, very trusted friend.
Why did the employee get fired? He leaked the company's private key.
The two encryption keys had a great relationship; it was purely asymmetric.
I asked for a digital signature, but all I got was a cryptographic hash.
Why was the self-signed certificate so arrogant? It didn't need anyone's authority.
The PKI admin's favorite game is "Hide and Decrypt."
A compromised CA is a real trust-buster.
Why did the certificate get a bad reputation? It hung out with the wrong CRL.
The public key said to the private key, "You complete me."
Key generation is like a digital lottery for primes.
Why was the intermediate CA so important? It was the middle child that actually did all the work.
The certificate's lifetime was extended... it got a renewal of lease on life.
I told a joke about elliptic curve cryptography, but it went over everyone's head.
Why did the man lose his private key? He didn't keep it under his digital mattress.
The PKI hierarchy is just a fancy family tree for certificates.
A certificate without a chain is like a ship without an anchor.
Why was the digital signature so authentic? It had a unique, non-repudiable style.
The key pair was so in sync, they finished each other's ciphers.
I'd tell you a joke about a rogue CA, but you probably shouldn't trust it.
Encryption is like a secret handshake for data.
Why did the AES cipher go to the gym? To get stronger rounds.
My data is so encrypted, even *it* doesn't know what it is.
There are only two types of encryption: one that stops your kid sister, and one that stops a nation-state.
Why was the plaintext jealous of the ciphertext? It got all the attention.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity... it's impossible to put down, unlike my encrypted hard drive.
The one-time pad is the only encryption that's perfectly secure, and perfectly inconvenient.
Why did the cryptographer get locked out of his house? He lost the key to his own cipher.
Symmetric encryption is like a shared secret between two best friends.
The encrypted message said, "You'll never crack this." Challenge accepted.
Why was the hash function so dramatic? It made a big scene out of any input.
My password is so strong, it's hashed, salted, and peppered.
The Caesar cipher is the dad joke of cryptography.
Why did the data cross the road? To get to the other encrypted side.
Quantum cryptography: where your secrets are safe until someone looks at them.
The cryptanalyst's favorite hobby is reading between the ciphers.
Why was the block cipher so good at parties? It could really break the ice.
I used to be a cryptographer, but then I took a SHA to the knee.
The encrypted file is like a treasure chest without a key.
Why did the ransomware get an A+? It had excellent encryption.
Diffie-Hellman: the key exchange for people who can't agree on a secret.
My life is like a broken cipher; it doesn't make sense anymore.
Why was the encryption algorithm so tired? It had too many rounds.
The salt in hashing is what makes passwords extra tasty for hackers.
I'd tell you my password, but it's hashed.
Why did the cryptographer break up with his girlfriend? There was no chemistry, only cryptography.
The Vigenère cipher is the "wish.com" version of encryption.
Steganography is just encryption for people who are good at hiding things.
Why was the cryptographer cold? He was working with zero-knowledge proofs and had no proof of warmth.
The encrypted email was so secure, even the sender forgot what it said.
A cryptographer's favorite plant? A cipher-tree.
Why did the man get arrested for using encryption? He was a prime suspect.
The XOR operation is the "same, but different" of the crypto world.
My love for you is like a cryptographic hash: one-way and unique.
Why was the ciphertext so confident? It knew it was unpadded.
The cryptographer's favorite type of music? R&B (Rivest and Bellare).
I tried to write a joke about triple DES, but it was too long and not secure enough.
Why is encryption like a good joke? If you have to explain it, it loses its impact.